well I can't set my house on fire every night
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
