i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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