Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
