just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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