you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
