Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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