im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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