I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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