i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
