forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
