She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
