the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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