Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
