I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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