I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
