I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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