Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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