So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
