So drunk its hurt
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
