I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
