it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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