why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
