Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
