I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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