I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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