went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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