Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
