I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
