Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
