The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
