I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
