dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
