I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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