Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
