I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
