i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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