Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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