Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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