she woke up with a sticky ear
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
