Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just invented taco cereal.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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