I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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