Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
