Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
