Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
