I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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