I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
