I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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