i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
