Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
