chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
