Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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