Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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