Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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