My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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