Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
